Reading between the lines before you end up between his sheets: First Dates

So you’ve met a guy at the bar and after he has bought you not one but two twelve-dollar martinis you figure that’s enough to warrant handing over the digits. Next day he texts you saying he wants to hangout again that night. You say yes because you wont really be missed at book club this week. He replies with: “Great you should just come over to my house and we can watch a movie.”

Your response should be: Oh hell no cheap ass! Unless you have the directors cut of the Notebook with deleted scenes and commentary from Nicholas Sparks himself … you can count me out!

 However that is seldom the case! We usually get all dressed up to look like we didn’t try too hard and drive ourselves over to some lazy guys house. Conveniently his roommates or parents will be using the living room TV and we will be forced to go watch it in “his room.” Bam! He has got us right where he wants us. His desk chair will be piled with dirty laundry and we will have no other options then to take a seat on his bed. His “advances” will start before the previews end and you calculate it cost you more in gas to drive over and get pawed at than the two martinis he bought the night before!

First dates are not rocket science! He picks you up takes you dinner and drops you off. They don’t happen in a bar, movie theater, or his mother’s basement. So ladies the next time some loser asks to hang out at his place tell him you are not impressed and delete his number. And guys if you ever need creative dating advice I’ll be the first to offer a hand … or else plan on staying home alone with yours! 

Blind Dating: Lets leave it to the visually impaired

I am not afraid to admit I once dabbled in the “Online Dating Pool.” After seeing that convincing statistic on the E-Harmony commercial that 1 in 5 relationships now start with online dating … I was hooked! I ventured to a “Free” online dating site … because I didn’t think I was that desperate to have to pay to find love online.  So after posting some obviously flattering photos of myself to this profile I just sat back and watched the messages roll in. Yes it was difficult sifting through all of these potential suitors! But after having carefully reviewed my options I set out for my first date!

I had chosen a guy whose hobbies included speedboat racing and fixing old cars! Now he sounds like a mans-man … who can afford expensive hobbies and thus I am allowed to speculate, he can afford to date me! So we met in a public place … because I am single not stupid and did not want to be found buried under some doublewide in Corona at the age of 21! Well needless to say Prince Charming’s lifted truck was compensating for something … his height! So while wee-man took me to sushi I put on a brave face and was trying to estimate how many pieces of rice I could fit though the gap in his front teeth. So the date ended with him falling in love … obviously! And as for me I had to figure out how to let him down easy … which wouldn’t have been hard figuring how close his center of gravity was to the ground HAHA! So I told him he reminded me too much of someone I had dated in the past and was already mentally picturing who I would have take me on my next “blind” date.

So on to bachelor number two … I mean, how much worse can it get?  (Spoiler alert: It gets worse) From his camping, kayaking, and wrestling pictures he looked outdoorsy and active. So we decide to meet for Taco Tuesday at a local cantina, and he asks to bring along his roommate and his blind date to join us. I walk in to find the three-some has politely started eating without me. I walk around the table to greet my date … and BOOM … wish I had been truly blind for this date! There he is staring at me with ONE ARM!!! I can understand maybe forgetting to mention you have a horrible habit of eating on the shitter … but forgetting to mention this?!?!?! So while I’m telling myself not to look at it I’m wondering how I could have missed this in his photos! How does one kayak with one arm!! So I finish my beer (that I paid for… guess he couldn’t risk spending another arm or a leg) and he asks me to come back to his house … say what? Now I feel trapped … I don’t want this one-armed cyber predator to think I’m shallow, which I am. So I follow him back to “his place”

As I walk up the driveway I am silently rehearsing my excuse to leave early. I step in the front door and almost vomit! This was not a house, this was a place where animals go to DIE!!! Dead stuffed animals EVERYWHERE, a taxidermist’s wet dream! As I am being introduced to deceased mountain goats and Bambi’s entire extended family, I catch the gaze of the Bison head over the sofa and realize this was not what I had signed up for. Missing an arm could be cool if you spun it right … but there was no way in hell I was sticking around with this mass-murderer!

Needless to say that night I discontinued the use of my “online” dating profile and went back to doing it the old fashioned way … drunk in a bar! I can still count arms with the old beer-goggles on!

If I had a nickle for everytime someone told me I should have a blog ...

Well Ive bitten the blogging bullet. After years of having friends and complete strangers tell me I should have my own reality TV show or write a book ... Ive had to settle for a blog since my calls to MTV have not been returned and no one in their right mind would have the patience to edit a book with all of my spelling and grammar errors. So I guess for now this will be the place where I share all the crazy that happens in my life. I will be sharing advice and stories produced by my pack of drunk girlfriends and our experiences in the dating pool. I will also be taking "Dear Abby" like questions and giving my humorous prospective on how to handle whatever mess you think you are going though. So cheers to finally falling to peer pressure I hope you all enjoy! (and if you don't ... I don't really want to hear about it)